I really feel bad when I make others feel bad- especially when it's a girl and she goes away emo, or even worse making them cry, ESPECIALLY if it's because something I did or said (more likely). That's a guilt trip. The accidental ones are the worst- when everything is fine and dandy, then suddenly BOOM!, smiles turn into sad faces. Anger I can deal with -when people are angry with me, I mean- but sadness.... I always feel like I should do something. Sorry, I didn't and don't mean to make you sad.
Someone once told me that instead of paying someone back, it's better to pay the good deed forward. Go out and touch someone else's life- make a difference. Most people do not expect anything when they do random acts of kindness. I sure don't.
PS- to a particular reader- you aren't a disappointment, I have no right to say that. Will try not to use that word again, on anyone.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
On Rumors
Well, here we go again. The rumor mill is churning- the sound of it is getting rather familiar. It's the usual stuff, rumors that I'm involved with some girl, which is untrue, at least at the level the rumors would have us in. It is true that we hang out a lot. Undeniable. It is true that we do quite a bit of stuff together. Also undeniable. But that is all- nothing more.
There is quite a leap between being good friends, and being a couple. The social demography changes too. I always try not to be...inconvenient around couples, whereas being around friends is so much easier. Example- I'm helping my 2 friends prep for A2. If I were an item with one of them, the other would feel so left out, like she shouldn't be there. It's an act of pushing other people away to make time for the exclusive one. Not very comfortable with that at present. The expectations too, I could probably give one whole blog post about that. Friends don't expect so much- just the basics, maybe a little more for good friends. Couples.....don't get me started. I have come to realize that timing is also a very important factor- meeting the right person at the wrong time is just too bad. And A-levels is not the right time, so it doesn't matter who the right person is. Some of my friends may note that I am quite interested when they talk about their past relationships- I do find it fascinating, really fascinating. Informative and good to learn from. but it's always complicated, too complicated for me right now.
Funny. This would be what? The fifth time, at least, these type of rumors have been flying around. Secondary school....never heard the end of it. Some even managed to survive and reach college! It's also most probably not the last time. Personally I find it quite amusing, irritating at some times, but mostly good fun. As long as they stay at the current level, it should be okay.
I confess that I am not doing very much to actively discourage the rumors. Not avoiding this girl, still hanging out. (Quite unlike one earlier case where I completely avoided being associated with the girl to halt the rumors. Weakened a friendship there.) That's partially because rumors mostly fly behind your back -that's how it usually is- but mostly because now I don't believe that rumors should change the way you treat your friends- not in the least way. I'm happy the way things are, so why change what isn't broken? I know there is nothing very serious between me and this girl, who shall remain unnamed for now, so let people talk! Sticks and stones, after all.
From the way people act, to spend time with any girl is to be....shall we say, chasing her? Lol- then the only way to be certain that no "they are together" rumors would be for guys to mix exclusively with guys- and get branded as a gay. Lol, no escape. But that's extreme, and slightly narrow minded. It's not always like that..... Why can't guys and girls mix without worrying about stirring up a storm of speculation? Ok, fine, I may have been guilty of some speculation at some points in time, but I have promised to cut back on that as much as I can. Maybe it's just human nature- curiosity, I think.
Hm.... come to think on it, I shouldn't complain about others so much- I myself have talked about people before! Haha! Quite an insight there. Asking for all of them to cease would be a tall order, too tall. Actually, I should probably be thankful for the restraint exhibited by my friends. I was a lot more teasing with some of my friends- Andrew and Joanne come to mind. The balloon incident. However, there are some differences- they ended up an item, meaning they had thoughts of hooking up sooner or later; where else I, at any rate, do not harbor intentions to become one half of a pair.
As an ending to this rambling blog post, if the below were the definition of love, then I could say in all honesty that I love my friends, the girls included. Family goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway- I love them. The trick is loving with no strings attached. That, I'm working on.
Love: Unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1):the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2): brotherly concern for others.
There is quite a leap between being good friends, and being a couple. The social demography changes too. I always try not to be...inconvenient around couples, whereas being around friends is so much easier. Example- I'm helping my 2 friends prep for A2. If I were an item with one of them, the other would feel so left out, like she shouldn't be there. It's an act of pushing other people away to make time for the exclusive one. Not very comfortable with that at present. The expectations too, I could probably give one whole blog post about that. Friends don't expect so much- just the basics, maybe a little more for good friends. Couples.....don't get me started. I have come to realize that timing is also a very important factor- meeting the right person at the wrong time is just too bad. And A-levels is not the right time, so it doesn't matter who the right person is. Some of my friends may note that I am quite interested when they talk about their past relationships- I do find it fascinating, really fascinating. Informative and good to learn from. but it's always complicated, too complicated for me right now.
Funny. This would be what? The fifth time, at least, these type of rumors have been flying around. Secondary school....never heard the end of it. Some even managed to survive and reach college! It's also most probably not the last time. Personally I find it quite amusing, irritating at some times, but mostly good fun. As long as they stay at the current level, it should be okay.
I confess that I am not doing very much to actively discourage the rumors. Not avoiding this girl, still hanging out. (Quite unlike one earlier case where I completely avoided being associated with the girl to halt the rumors. Weakened a friendship there.) That's partially because rumors mostly fly behind your back -that's how it usually is- but mostly because now I don't believe that rumors should change the way you treat your friends- not in the least way. I'm happy the way things are, so why change what isn't broken? I know there is nothing very serious between me and this girl, who shall remain unnamed for now, so let people talk! Sticks and stones, after all.
From the way people act, to spend time with any girl is to be....shall we say, chasing her? Lol- then the only way to be certain that no "they are together" rumors would be for guys to mix exclusively with guys- and get branded as a gay. Lol, no escape. But that's extreme, and slightly narrow minded. It's not always like that..... Why can't guys and girls mix without worrying about stirring up a storm of speculation? Ok, fine, I may have been guilty of some speculation at some points in time, but I have promised to cut back on that as much as I can. Maybe it's just human nature- curiosity, I think.
Hm.... come to think on it, I shouldn't complain about others so much- I myself have talked about people before! Haha! Quite an insight there. Asking for all of them to cease would be a tall order, too tall. Actually, I should probably be thankful for the restraint exhibited by my friends. I was a lot more teasing with some of my friends- Andrew and Joanne come to mind. The balloon incident. However, there are some differences- they ended up an item, meaning they had thoughts of hooking up sooner or later; where else I, at any rate, do not harbor intentions to become one half of a pair.
As an ending to this rambling blog post, if the below were the definition of love, then I could say in all honesty that I love my friends, the girls included. Family goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway- I love them. The trick is loving with no strings attached. That, I'm working on.
Love: Unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1):the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2): brotherly concern for others.
Monday, July 19, 2010
On Learning
I'm volunteering my mornings in a spastic center while waiting for the A2 results to come out. The class I'm helping out is supposedly the standard 2 class, but that's not a representative of the kids reading or writing level. As a rule, no one knows their whole alphabet, while most can't walk and some can't talk. And I'm talking about 10 or 11 year olds. But before saying something along the lines of "oh my gawd!", remember that it's not something that they choose- all of them would learn to walk, talk, and move properly if they could.
It's kinda sad, sometimes. When I'm pushing them around on their wheelchairs, or helping them write because they can't control their hands, I occasionally get ambushed by pity. Here are a group of children who will never get to do so many things that we take for granted. Simple things that we do automatically like walking in a straight line, talking coherently, awareness of our surroundings and so much more are just out of their reach for now, perhaps forever. Even reading this blog would be impossible for most because they don't know the full alphabet. I think of the things I've done- playing music, computer gaming, running, swimming unassisted, and I know that the kid right next to me most probably will never enjoy doing any of these things.
Most of the time, though, I'm not that pessimistic. I'm learning acceptance- how to accept that things are this way and the past cannot be changed. One of my friends said it's better to look at the glass as half full. She's right. The kids may not have much, but they are happy with what they can do. Well, mostly la. Today I helped this girl walk in her walker, the first time I've seen her walk ever. She wasn't very good, not much practice, but she managed to walk all the way to the end of the corridor before getting tired and having to sit down. After resting for a while, she walked until her face was red, and continued until she just had to let go of the walker and fall down. That I took as the cue to carry her back to class.
One may wonder what I was doing the whole time, just watching her? Well, yes. I liked the way she was pushing herself to go on. I liked that determination A LOT. She never once indicated that she wanted my help. Even after I picked her up after her tumble and tried to carry her back to class, she was gesturing at her walker and asking with her hands to go back to it. She was inching her way to a chair right before falling, but I guess the strain was too great. Caught her in time- well, that's my job.
It's hard to let the kids do their things in their own way, partially because it seems so painstaking. You know you could do better than them, faster, more efficiently, and with less trouble. But for them to learn how to be independent, one must suppress this instinct to hold them by the hand and do it yourself. The hand should instead be at a distance, not too far that one cannot be caught, but not close enough to be caught at will. Falling is part of learning- if one does not fall, one cannot learn. I think it's like that with everything- especially teaching. You do what you can, and let the students flounder. The good teachers understand this- that one cannot, indeed must not, spoon feed, or wean students off spoon feeding ASAP. If that means throwing students in the deep end just after teaching them the basics of swimming, then so be it. Just have someone pull the students who can't out before they drown. It reminds me of further math, where my friend Chester described the subject as being thrown out of an aeroplane with a parachute and a manual on how to use the parachute but never having seen a parachute ever before. But in the end, as with anything the ultimate choice on whether a student ever succeeds in what he sets out to learn lies with the student himself. Something I like to point out over and over again.
It's kinda sad, sometimes. When I'm pushing them around on their wheelchairs, or helping them write because they can't control their hands, I occasionally get ambushed by pity. Here are a group of children who will never get to do so many things that we take for granted. Simple things that we do automatically like walking in a straight line, talking coherently, awareness of our surroundings and so much more are just out of their reach for now, perhaps forever. Even reading this blog would be impossible for most because they don't know the full alphabet. I think of the things I've done- playing music, computer gaming, running, swimming unassisted, and I know that the kid right next to me most probably will never enjoy doing any of these things.
Most of the time, though, I'm not that pessimistic. I'm learning acceptance- how to accept that things are this way and the past cannot be changed. One of my friends said it's better to look at the glass as half full. She's right. The kids may not have much, but they are happy with what they can do. Well, mostly la. Today I helped this girl walk in her walker, the first time I've seen her walk ever. She wasn't very good, not much practice, but she managed to walk all the way to the end of the corridor before getting tired and having to sit down. After resting for a while, she walked until her face was red, and continued until she just had to let go of the walker and fall down. That I took as the cue to carry her back to class.
One may wonder what I was doing the whole time, just watching her? Well, yes. I liked the way she was pushing herself to go on. I liked that determination A LOT. She never once indicated that she wanted my help. Even after I picked her up after her tumble and tried to carry her back to class, she was gesturing at her walker and asking with her hands to go back to it. She was inching her way to a chair right before falling, but I guess the strain was too great. Caught her in time- well, that's my job.
It's hard to let the kids do their things in their own way, partially because it seems so painstaking. You know you could do better than them, faster, more efficiently, and with less trouble. But for them to learn how to be independent, one must suppress this instinct to hold them by the hand and do it yourself. The hand should instead be at a distance, not too far that one cannot be caught, but not close enough to be caught at will. Falling is part of learning- if one does not fall, one cannot learn. I think it's like that with everything- especially teaching. You do what you can, and let the students flounder. The good teachers understand this- that one cannot, indeed must not, spoon feed, or wean students off spoon feeding ASAP. If that means throwing students in the deep end just after teaching them the basics of swimming, then so be it. Just have someone pull the students who can't out before they drown. It reminds me of further math, where my friend Chester described the subject as being thrown out of an aeroplane with a parachute and a manual on how to use the parachute but never having seen a parachute ever before. But in the end, as with anything the ultimate choice on whether a student ever succeeds in what he sets out to learn lies with the student himself. Something I like to point out over and over again.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
On Acceptance
I can't help but smile wryly at myself sometimes- for being naive?
There are so many levels of a person, so many facets. The number of sides one sees in a person is dependent on how one is willing to express and the other is willing to understand. I used to think that people are unwilling to express themselves around me- there was even this one interesting comment by a classmate that she thought I was scary and that's why she didn't ask me questions, even though she could do with help. But upon consideration, perhaps that is not the truth. Maybe I am not willing enough to understand.
A majority of my friends I know maybe skin-deep. I know how they usually act, or rather the appearance they choose to present, and I know a bit of basic background. Some others I understand well enough to get a bit of what they are thinking. When I'm with my friends, they only need look at my face to know what is going on in my head. Well, most of the time. And behind the scenes, there isn't much going on. I'm like that at home, in school, with friends- just that I tend to be less expressive when everything is in Chinese because I'm less fluent in that. Basically rather constant. But so many people seem to carry some type of......burden, some sadness that is really deep. I have friends like that, quite a few, come to think about it. And I can't seem to do anything about it, no matter what I do, say, or not say.
The only constant thing in life is change. Maybe my problem is that I'm unwilling to let my friends change too much? I profile them according to their happy times, so when they are not happy alarm bells go off in my head. I know that people cannot be happy all the time, yes, consciously I know that. Emotionally, that may be another matter. It's just that I dislike having people sad or emo-ing around me- it makes me feel so helpless and unable to concentrate. I get the urge to try and make them feel happy again. My reasoning is what's the point in being friends if you are always unhappy together. Come to think of it, that's a rather narrow view of what friends should be...... Lol- see? Unwilling to let others express themselves fully. People shouldn't have to pretend around you, boy! Let happy friends be happy, and sad ones be sad- don't try to change anything! I wonder if telling my friends to be happy and cracking jokes at them when they are down constitutes unwillingness to accept people for who they are.....?
Perhaps that's the reason I don't see so much that goes on.... because I only WANT to see people happy. So I act in such a way that people are unable to express their unhappiness, because I am unwilling to let them be unhappy. So they go away and find some place to emo, and talk to others,or write it on FB, or blog about it. And if I find out I feel like I've somehow failed them as a friend (stupid, isn't it?) and try to make them happy when actually what they should be doing is letting it out. And since most of my friends are really kind people, when one expends time and energy on them, they don't want to be unkind in turn, and so pretend they are happy when they are not..... And so the emotions that should be expressed are suppressed again, needing to be let out even more. And the cycle repeats....
Experiment time. Got to try and break this vicious cycle. Easiest way is to not go to people and try to pick them up. If people want your company, they will find you. So naive, thinking that people will be happy all the time. Some things need to be faced alone, and the best thing that I can do is let go. Idealistic, my dad would say, idealistic to think that friends would only share good times.
But when I look back that's what I want to remember.......
Funny. Looks like my acceptance of people as individuals isn't as good as I thought. Got to work on that. A good step would be to stop asking questions, and let silence do the talking. Yeah, that isn't bad. Cut down on the yapping.
There are so many levels of a person, so many facets. The number of sides one sees in a person is dependent on how one is willing to express and the other is willing to understand. I used to think that people are unwilling to express themselves around me- there was even this one interesting comment by a classmate that she thought I was scary and that's why she didn't ask me questions, even though she could do with help. But upon consideration, perhaps that is not the truth. Maybe I am not willing enough to understand.
A majority of my friends I know maybe skin-deep. I know how they usually act, or rather the appearance they choose to present, and I know a bit of basic background. Some others I understand well enough to get a bit of what they are thinking. When I'm with my friends, they only need look at my face to know what is going on in my head. Well, most of the time. And behind the scenes, there isn't much going on. I'm like that at home, in school, with friends- just that I tend to be less expressive when everything is in Chinese because I'm less fluent in that. Basically rather constant. But so many people seem to carry some type of......burden, some sadness that is really deep. I have friends like that, quite a few, come to think about it. And I can't seem to do anything about it, no matter what I do, say, or not say.
The only constant thing in life is change. Maybe my problem is that I'm unwilling to let my friends change too much? I profile them according to their happy times, so when they are not happy alarm bells go off in my head. I know that people cannot be happy all the time, yes, consciously I know that. Emotionally, that may be another matter. It's just that I dislike having people sad or emo-ing around me- it makes me feel so helpless and unable to concentrate. I get the urge to try and make them feel happy again. My reasoning is what's the point in being friends if you are always unhappy together. Come to think of it, that's a rather narrow view of what friends should be...... Lol- see? Unwilling to let others express themselves fully. People shouldn't have to pretend around you, boy! Let happy friends be happy, and sad ones be sad- don't try to change anything! I wonder if telling my friends to be happy and cracking jokes at them when they are down constitutes unwillingness to accept people for who they are.....?
Perhaps that's the reason I don't see so much that goes on.... because I only WANT to see people happy. So I act in such a way that people are unable to express their unhappiness, because I am unwilling to let them be unhappy. So they go away and find some place to emo, and talk to others,or write it on FB, or blog about it. And if I find out I feel like I've somehow failed them as a friend (stupid, isn't it?) and try to make them happy when actually what they should be doing is letting it out. And since most of my friends are really kind people, when one expends time and energy on them, they don't want to be unkind in turn, and so pretend they are happy when they are not..... And so the emotions that should be expressed are suppressed again, needing to be let out even more. And the cycle repeats....
Experiment time. Got to try and break this vicious cycle. Easiest way is to not go to people and try to pick them up. If people want your company, they will find you. So naive, thinking that people will be happy all the time. Some things need to be faced alone, and the best thing that I can do is let go. Idealistic, my dad would say, idealistic to think that friends would only share good times.
But when I look back that's what I want to remember.......
Funny. Looks like my acceptance of people as individuals isn't as good as I thought. Got to work on that. A good step would be to stop asking questions, and let silence do the talking. Yeah, that isn't bad. Cut down on the yapping.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Self-Analysis
Sometimes I wonder if my friends wonder why I do the things I do. If I were not me and instead I were my friend, me would certainly wonder why I act the way I do. All the planning and worrying and organizing and randomness- the nail painting, the marathon and half-marathon running, the badminton outings, the teaching people, the driving people around.... completely unnecessary, and a big expenditure of time and energy. The thing is, I treat others the way I would like to be treated. And it's that simple. I'm not complaining, not at all- just hoping to be understood.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
On Dogs
I like dogs. They don't ask for much- food, water, shelter, some exercise, some love, a back-scratch here and there..... simple needs. If you provide these things, in return they will protect your house day and night, take care of rats (at least mine do), and even provide a back to rest your head after a tough day. Seems disproportionate, what you give to your dogs and what you receive from them- unfair for the dog. But if a dog could talk, he'd probably tell you that it's nothing special, since almost all dogs do what I mentioned above. And he'd also dismiss the argument about the arrangement being unfair- if a dog felt bad about it, he wouldn't bark at strangers anymore. I like the way dogs can accept people so easily into the family circle- come to my house a few times and my dogs will start to wag their tails at you instead of barking their heads off.
When you come home from work, or school, or an outing with friends, they'll be there to greet you. It doesn't matter if you come back in the morning , at noon, or in the middle of a dark night, they will still come bounding out to lick you in greeting. Even though dogs don't really smile, you know they are happy to see you. Why? Because of who you are. Part of their pack, their family. Dogs need no other reason. You provide for them, and they will repay you for life. And these are the very creatures that one so often takes for granted.
You can learn a lot from animals, it's what nature initially was like. Simple and uncomplicated, if sometimes brutal. No need to second guess, no need for deception, just be natural. I don't know about you, but I for one would like to say I am better than an animal. But the loyalty of a dog? Can I even compare to that? Can you?
When you come home from work, or school, or an outing with friends, they'll be there to greet you. It doesn't matter if you come back in the morning , at noon, or in the middle of a dark night, they will still come bounding out to lick you in greeting. Even though dogs don't really smile, you know they are happy to see you. Why? Because of who you are. Part of their pack, their family. Dogs need no other reason. You provide for them, and they will repay you for life. And these are the very creatures that one so often takes for granted.
You can learn a lot from animals, it's what nature initially was like. Simple and uncomplicated, if sometimes brutal. No need to second guess, no need for deception, just be natural. I don't know about you, but I for one would like to say I am better than an animal. But the loyalty of a dog? Can I even compare to that? Can you?
Thursday, July 1, 2010
On Changing Times
It's kinda odd, what's happening now. My friends are evolving, finding new directions. Me too, I guess. The thing is, I want to understand what is happening- I like knowing people and seeing what makes them tick, which is probably the reason I do the things I do. Around my age, we all are mostly self-aware, and relatively autonomous when it comes to decision making processes, so I am currently adopting the wait-and-see approach. It's worked once, it might work again.
It's entirely possible that there is nothing wrong.... actually, who am I to say what is right and wrong? It could be a phase that people pass through, who hasn't had bouts of emo-ness?..... but the silence is unsettling, especially from people who are not usually silent. And not just one, no siree, not a single person, but multiple people. I can only ask so many questions before I feel like I'm prying, past that the only thing I can do is be there. Sometimes one has to accept the fact that people who have meaning to you just don't want to share their feelings with you. I'm trying not to be worried until I have something solid to worry about... Those who know me well know how I fail miserably in that particular exercise.
It's true that people cannot be happy all the times, and for some now is the most appropriate time to be unhappy, with all the friends going back to their lives having finished college. Heck, even I'm feeling more blue than usual. So, the current general feeling is nothing unnatural, I suppose. Of course, knowing that so much goes on behind the scenes, I could be entirely mistaken, again.
On a more positive note, I think today has been one of the luckiest days of my life. Even if somewhat confusing. Such a short time it takes to make such a difference in a life.
It's entirely possible that there is nothing wrong.... actually, who am I to say what is right and wrong? It could be a phase that people pass through, who hasn't had bouts of emo-ness?..... but the silence is unsettling, especially from people who are not usually silent. And not just one, no siree, not a single person, but multiple people. I can only ask so many questions before I feel like I'm prying, past that the only thing I can do is be there. Sometimes one has to accept the fact that people who have meaning to you just don't want to share their feelings with you. I'm trying not to be worried until I have something solid to worry about... Those who know me well know how I fail miserably in that particular exercise.
It's true that people cannot be happy all the times, and for some now is the most appropriate time to be unhappy, with all the friends going back to their lives having finished college. Heck, even I'm feeling more blue than usual. So, the current general feeling is nothing unnatural, I suppose. Of course, knowing that so much goes on behind the scenes, I could be entirely mistaken, again.
On a more positive note, I think today has been one of the luckiest days of my life. Even if somewhat confusing. Such a short time it takes to make such a difference in a life.
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